J got out of jail on Friday. Pretty much all day that day my stomach was a wreck. Just nervous. After work, the kids and I went to the store and he was there. Luckily, we were done shopping and I was heading out the door anyway. I don't think the boys saw him - at least they didn't say anything.
Then he called a few days ago and left me a message asking me if he could borrow money for food. Claims he didn't have any. I didn't answer and I didn't respond.
I feel sick. I don't know where he is planning on living. I don't know if we are going to have to co-exist in this semi-small town trying to abide by an order that says no contact. How in the world do I explain to my three year olds why they can't go talk to Daddy if we see him in the store? I feel guilty for not helping him, even though my rational mind knows he must have had food, if he had what seemed to be emergency housing. I know deep down that his asking for money was a way to get something he needed, or to see how much he can continue to take from me. To assess the situation. I've not heard from him since.
Still I don't know how to do this. This is all new to me. Even with all of the struggles of the past few years, J and I have always had contact of some sort. No contact is allowing me to feel all of the emotions of what is going on - sadness and anger mostly, and I go from one to the other. And I have no closure to this relationship.
Because there's no contact.
So, I have no way to tell him how angry I am. Or how sad I am that it all turned out this way.
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