Happy Conception Day!

I don't think that the majority of people can actually say this to their children. Only some of the 12% or so of the population that struggles with infertility, seeks treatment, and is successful in their family building efforts through that treatment. So I guess that makes our family special in a way...


One year ago today these turned into this today:

Wordless Wednesday

Out of the Closet

I'm doing it. I'm coming out of the closet. About my blogging, that is.
Up until now no one knew about my blogs. Not even J. But my blogging has evolved since it started - from a way to document my infertility journey and share experiences with people going through infertility and pregnancy loss as well (which by the way are both very isolating in real life) to now a blog about my childrens' lives and also what it's like parenting after my infertility/loss experiences.
I won't run out and share my blog URL with everyone I know just yet. I just won't keep it a secret anymore. I won't be worried if someone IRL finds it and reads it. I will share with my close family so they can check for updates on the bugs if they'd like.
If you are someone who knows me IRL and you find an archived post that makes mention of you, please remember that my blog is a documentation of my feelings and emotions, and although some of the things I've written can seem hurtful or mean, it was how I was feeling at that moment. Infertility and pregnancy loss can bring out a huge range of emotions that are sometimes difficult to contain and writing about them was cathartic for me. It does not necessarily mean that is how I feel about you now, or even how I felt about you a minute after I hit the publish post button.
Mel over at Stirrup Queens said it best, "A blog post records one moment in time. You know the world is much larger and complex than that. For every blog post, there are 1000 additional blog posts that should have been written as a follow-up afterwards as feelings change. But they're not written and it isn't helpful to make assumptions."

So that's that. Hope if I've given you the link to this blog or if you've happened to find it, you at least enjoy reading it.

Getting to Know Yule

Getting to know all about yule...

Thanks to Tracy! This did seem like fun so here goes…

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Mostly wrapping paper. Gift bags only in a pinch or if the present is an unusual shape.

2. Real tree or Artificial? Absolutely real! I have always had a real tree and always will. Alex and Landon don’t really know what it is this year. They do love the lights though. I can’t wait until they’re old enough to trek through the woods, help cut the tree down, and drag it out. Fun!!

3. When do you put up the tree? Usually two weeks before Christmas

4. When do you take the tree down? January 7^th – Right after the Feast of the Epiphany.

5. Do you like eggnog? Yes, but only non-alcoholic. I lost my taste for alcoholic drinks made with milk/cream products after some bad experiences in college.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? My dollhouse

7. Hardest person to buy for? My Dad

8. Easiest person(s) to buy for? Alex and Landon.

9. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes, and I put it up every year. It was a gift from my Mom. I remember playing with our growing up so it always had some special meaning to me.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Neither anymore…who has time?

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? A sweater from a boyfriend with a giraffe on it. And, no I am NOT kidding.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It’s a Wonderful Life, of course.

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Let’s just say I’m doing it all this weekend. ARRRHHH!

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Absolutely. And I have a stash in my attic of gifts that are ready to be recycled at a moment’s notice.

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Everything.

16. Lights on the tree? Multi-colored.

17. Favorite Christmas song? “I want a hippopotamus for Christmas.”

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Right now we travel but only for this year and next. Once the boys understand about Santa we’ll stay home for Christmas morning and travel that afternoon. We’re within a few hours of family so could still make it there for dinner.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Yes!

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Crowded stores.

23. Favorite ornament theme or color? No one theme or color. Each ornament I have is unique. No two alike.

24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham

25. What do you want for Christmas this year? I’d love a Wii.

Okay, consider the snowball thrown your way! Do your own post and let me know via a comment so I (and others) can go learn more about "Yule" and your holiday celebrations!

Wordless Wednesday

Why is it considered weird?

We've done it. We've made the tough decision not to use daycare any longer. We just didn't feel it was the right decision for our family, neither financially or for the bugs. We gave our notice to our providers, citing financial reasons as our main reason for leaving.
And, today was the first day that J became one of these

It's scary to think about financially going from two incomes to only one and a half (J is looking for part-time work for evenings and weekends) but I still believe that it is the right one. Money issues always seem to have a way of working themselves out and if need be we can trim our budget - should we find we have to (bye bye Cable package)
J was nervous this morning - questioning his ability to do this. Societal stereotypes have most likely caused those feelings of inadequacy. So I did what I could to boost his confidence and walked out the door to head to work.

Stopped home at lunch and all the boys seem to be doing well. Hopefully the afternoon goes well too. If he can get one good day in I'm sure his confidence will increase.
As for me - I'm a bit sad that I can't be the one to stay home but financially this makes more sense for us. I am happy though that I don't have to worry about the bugs care. I know that they are being cared for by someone who loves them as much as I do.

Striking a Balence

December – time again to think about warm hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, wooly mittens, holiday shopping, big fluffy snowflakes falling, and the magic of the season.
Holiday season can be so difficult for people dealing with infertility. And no one knows how difficult unless they themselves are in the middle of the struggle or have faced the struggle in the past. The holidays are all about kids – Santa’s around every corner, toy catalogs and commercials, children’s programs on television. There’s really no escaping it.

It’s different for J and I this year though. In year’s past we did whatever possible to avoid the painful kid-focused celebrations, either gracefully bowing out of attending or downing as much alcohol as possible to help numb the feelings. This year, because there are few children in our family, we are the center of attention. Or rather the bugs are. Everyone in our family is focused on the bugs first Christmas.

I feel like a traitor to my fellow bloggers still walking the IF long and winding road. How do I transition from one side to the other? How do I keep the promise I made to myself to always remember my experience with infertility and how it made me feel – so that I can be sure to remain sensitive to others who may be going through their own struggle? How do I find the balance between the excitement I naturally feel for my children’s first Christmas and the remembrance of how I used to feel at this time of year, knowing that so many other people are still where I was last year?

Last year I wrote this post about what I wanted for Christmas.

This year I’m asking Santa for health and happiness for my boys. That’s all I really want or need right now. (OK, and maybe one hour of uninterrupted time to soak in a bubble bath with a glass of pinot grigio and some nice holiday music)

As for finding the balance…Yes, I’ll go out and get all of those “Baby’s First Christmas” things, look through all of the toy catalogs, shop excitedly at the parent-crazed stores this month for toys to put under the tree, and do whatever I can to see this holiday through my children’s eyes. I also will keep my promise to myself by doing some other little things – I will try to teach my children about thinking of others, not just at holiday time but throughout the year; I will try to make sure I do what I can to make at least some of our holiday celebrations not strictly kid-focused; and I will never send out one of those Christmas cards of a picture of my children to everyone on my mailing list.

What I'm Thankful for

I'm thankful for my health, and the health of my family. For my warm house, a good job, money to buy things I need and want, my fur-baby George.
I'm thankful someone decided to put bread, celery, onions, and butter and spices together to invent stuffing.
I'm thankful for my ability to write this. Many people don't have a good education.
I'm thankful for friends both IRL and in blogland.
Most of all, I am thankful that I have been given two healthy baby boys. And, I am thankful to be celebrating their first Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Wordless Wednesday

It's a Jungle Out There

Alex and Landon LOVE their jungle gym! We play in it every day. They're almost able to grab hold of their favorite toy and make it play - the musical Lion.

What a wonderful birthday present

The bugs gave me a wonderful birthday gift today - they slept...through the night. I mean really through the night. We got them down to sleep after baths, bottles, and rocking at about 9:30pm. They slept until 6:30AM.
I got a full, uninterrupted night of sleep and it was absolutely refreshing!
I did have to poke them both though this morning when I woke up and realized what had happened, just to be sure they were OK.

Thoughts About Age

Ten years ago when I was in my twenties my birthday weekend consisted of hanging out with friends and when I awoke after a night of fun I found empty bottles of beer covering my kitchen counter.
This year, as my birthday approaches, I found it kind of humerous how much life can change as we grow older. Today, as is now the norm on most days, I awoke to find my kitchen counter covered in empty bottles again.
Only this time the bottles were of baby formula.
What a difference.

Escaping

While I knew deep down inside all along that there is no escaping infertility that fact became all the more clear for me this past week. After decided to throw in the towel and stop breastfeeding and pumping (which is another post in itself) I was visited rather quickly by my good ol' friend AF. Wonder-freaken-ful! She returned with a vengeance and was all that I remember her to be. My first thought when I noticed the bright red full-flow on the toilet paper was, "Oh, cycle day 1, I need to mark that down on the calendar...I should be ovulating about 15 days from now..."

Then a cry came through the baby monitor and jolted me back to reality. I don't need to count cycle days anymore. I don't need to worry about when I'm ovulating, don't need to rush out and re-stock my supply of ovulation test kits, don't need to plan sex with J for key days of the month anymore.

This is strange. I thought when I got that first positive pee stick that I could get away from IF. Then I miscarried that pregnancy. When I got the second positive pee stick, I knew that it might take some time to feel confident about pregnancy again. Maybe someday I would feel "not-so-infertile" anymore. Maybe after the first ultrasound, the first 13 weeks, 20 weeks, feeling movement, the first good NST??? When will IF stop being a part of my life, lurking around every corner for me?
Maybe it's because I've spent every.single.month for the past almost 7 years counting what cycle day it is, checking for ovulation, timing intercourse, feeling constant disappointment month, after month, after month. Learning to not let yourself get to close or too attached to a pregnancy or even the thought of a pregnancy for fear that it could be taken away, that it's all become routine. I can't remember what it's like NOT to do those things. So now I feel out of sorts. Lost.
Maybe if I had had a vaginal delivery for the bugs I'd feel differently. Maybe it's because I had a c-section and never really felt any labor pain at all that this parenthood thing is still somewhat unreal. For those of you who experienced IF and had a vaginal delivery - do you feel like the whole thing is unreal to you? Do you sometimes feel as if you are living someone else's life? I've moved over to the elusive "other side" yet still don't quite feel like I'm really living this.

Unfortunately, I don't think under any different circumstances that I WOULD feel differently. There is no escaping infertility once you've lived with it. There are constant reminders - now every month when AF arrives instead of wondering what cycle day it is I will be trying to forget what cycle day it is. So, while I'm not dealing with IF any longer I still have to deal with it by trying NOT to deal with it.
Infertility for me now is like my c-section scar. I can't really see it, it's faded with time, but it is still there, and I know that it's still there, and it will remain there for the rest of my life.

12 Weeks

Alex and Landon,

I can not believe that you are three months old already! You are no longer newborns. You are actually like little boys now. You have grown so much in the past three months - smiling, cooing, helping to hold your bottles. Alex - you are even trying to roll over on your own. Landon - you sit and listen intently to Mommy's favorite story (A Sport for Teddy). Your Dad and I are amazed each day by how much you change and grow! We feel much more confident in our abilities to care for you now, even though the simultaneous crying still throws us both for a loop. We've figured out hunger cries, wet diaper cries, and I'm Tired! cries. We've become pros at diaper changes and finding things that you like to do that make you smile, like swings and bouncy seats. We can't wait for Christmas (your first) and for playing with all of your new toys that you are just starting to learn about.
We're excited to think about what each new day brings for us and for you. But do us a favor and slow down just a bit - don't grow up too fast. The past three months have already gone by in a blink of an eye.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

The First of Many

Last week was my first day back at work after maternity leave, which means that it was also the bugs first week at day care. It was so difficult to bring them to day care, to take them out of their car seats, and hand them over to two (albeit caring) ladies who would watch them in my absence. I didn't want to hand them over, J didn't want to hand them over. I simply wanted to hold them in my arms forever, never letting go. But what other choice do we have? As I walked out of the day care door, holding back my tears, I realized that this is just one of so many firsts that will happen in their lifetime.

The first day of day care.
My first day back at work.
Their first birthday.
Their first words, teeth, steps...
The first day of kindergarten.
Their first bike ride without training wheels.
Their first tooth falling out.
Their first cut, scrape, or broken bone.
Their first crush.
Their first driving lesson.
Their first car.
Their first girlfriend.
Their first day of college.

So many firsts - all that have the potential to bring me to tears - tears that are somehow filled with both happiness and love that I feel for my children as I watch them grow, and also tinged with sadness for the exact same reason. That they are growing. That the time when all I did was hold them in my arms is gone. That someday they won't want to be held at all.
In my crazy, chaotic, twin-filled life, I try to remember each day that we'll never have the chance to re-live this day. That my bugs will only be 4 weeks, or 5 weeks, or 8 weeks and 4 days old for this day and this day only. I try to soak in as much of each day, each minute with them, as possible. If I can do that then I think that they, and maybe even J and I, will be able to weather all of the firsts in our lives.

Raising the White Flag

My intention ever since first getting those double lines on the pee stick was to breastfeed my baby(or babies). Exclusively. I know the benefits of breastfeeding for them as well as for myself, not to mention it saves time, and of course money (which is in short supply while raising twins). We struggled with breastfeeding at the hospital. Lan.don was too sleepy and wouldn't suck for more than a few seconds. Ale.x seemed too impatient and screamed after a few sucks as well. When the nurses told J and I that they would need their blood sugar tested every 5 hours if they continued not to nurse, we decided that instead of having them go through heel pricks every so many hours we would give them some formula out of a medicine cup (to supplement).

Once home Lan.don developed jaundice and feeding him became more of an issue. Ale.x was still much too impatient to wait for letdown and of course that increased my anxiety level, which made letdown even worse.
I had to wait to get my double electric pump in the mail from my insurance company so was only able to express a few ounces manually a day - which I split between the two of them. Once I got the pump I was still only able to express about 5-6 ounces a day.

Land.on finally caught onto latching. Al.ex still refuses.

Now that the bugs are starting to be awake more during the day I am finding it nearly impossible to find time to pump, or BF Land.don without Ale.x screaming for attention. I went 3 days without BF or pumping and now my supply is nearly shot.
I can't decide whether to keep trying until I go back to work next week (where I will have time to pump at least 3 times per day) or give up completely and go to bottle feeding exclusively. Do I surrender or not?? I'm not sure.
I do know though that the guilt I feel for not being able to do this breastfeeding thing for my boys is eating me up. Just one of my many experiences so far with "Mommy guilt".

Time to Write

One month supply of diapers for twins -- $240.00
Formula because one twin refuses to breastfeed - $100.00
Price of amount of frozen pizza eaten the past two months (which we are considering buying stock in until twins are at least 10 years old) - $200.00



Having these adorable twin bugs -- PRICELESS

I can't believe that I actually have a minute to write a post. This has been unheard of the past 7 weeks. I also can't believe it's been seven weeks since the bugs joined us. Unbelievable. So much has changed since that August day. They are both cooing, smiling, and almost laughing now and J and I love every single minute of it. The picture is not how things usually are around here though. We're lucky if we each get a minute of rest. Somehow we've got to get on a similar feeding and napping schedule. I just don't want to rush them into schedules yet. Seems they're growing too fast as it is.

We had a bit of a scare with Al.ex the other day with a fever and two days of inconsolable crying - which resulted in a spinal tap to rule out meningitis, a hefty round of antibiotics for safety's sake, and a two day hospital stay. Thankfully though all is well now. Mommy and Daddy just have a few more gray hairs then we did last week.

Today may be the first day since the bugs were born that Mommy and both boys are clean and dressed. Maybe we'll actually get some time to play tummy time today!

Welcome

J and I dealt with infertility for over six years, went through almost every type of fertility treatment available, faced pregnancy loss, and spent a fortune in both actual money and in emotions trying to have a baby. We finally ended up with not one, but two, babies. And this blog is a tribute to them and a chance for me to share with them the story of their life.
Parenting is one thing. Parenting children after dealing with infertility is another. Infertility affects your entire being and alters who you are - given that, I assume it alters how you handle parenting children. So this blog is a chance to document how our infertility experience shapes this chapter of our life as well as our children's life.
Thanks for visiting and reading about our new adventure - parenting multiples after infertility. As I chronicle our bugs (Alex and Landon) life I hope that at least some of what I write will be funny, witty, and maybe even helpful to someone out there facing a similar experience. Stop by every now and then to see what we're up to... it's sure to be a wild ride.

Happy Birthday

One prayer. 6 Years, 7 months, 25 days.
Finally...

Happy Birthday Alexander Joseph, 5lbs 10 ozs. 2:41pm and Landon John 6lbs 8ozs. 2:43pm