Wednesday, November 19, 2008


While I knew deep down inside all along that there is no escaping infertility that fact became all the more clear for me this past week. After decided to throw in the towel and stop breastfeeding and pumping (which is another post in itself) I was visited rather quickly by my good ol' friend AF. Wonder-freaken-ful! She returned with a vengeance and was all that I remember her to be. My first thought when I noticed the bright red full-flow on the toilet paper was, "Oh, cycle day 1, I need to mark that down on the calendar...I should be ovulating about 15 days from now..."
Then a cry came through the baby monitor and jolted me back to reality. I don't need to count cycle days anymore. I don't need to worry about when I'm ovulating, don't need to rush out and re-stock my supply of ovulation test kits, don't need to plan sex with J for key days of the month anymore.
This is strange. I thought when I got that first positive pee stick that I could get away from IF. Then I miscarried that pregnancy. When I got the second positive pee stick, I knew that it might take some time to feel confident about pregnancy again. Maybe someday I would feel "not-so-infertile" anymore. Maybe after the first ultrasound, the first 13 weeks, 20 weeks, feeling movement, the first good NST??? When will IF stop being a part of my life, lurking around every corner for me?
Maybe it's because I've spent every.single.month for the past almost 7 years counting what cycle day it is, checking for ovulation, timing intercourse, feeling constant disappointment month, after month, after month. Learning to not let yourself get to close or too attached to a pregnancy or even the thought of a pregnancy for fear that it could be taken away, that it's all become routine. I can't remember what it's like NOT to do those things. So now I feel out of sorts. Lost.
Maybe if I had had a vaginal delivery for the bugs I'd feel differently. Maybe it's because I had a c-section and never really felt any labor pain at all that this parenthood thing is still somewhat unreal. For those of you who experienced IF and had a vaginal delivery - do you feel like the whole thing is unreal to you? Do you sometimes feel as if you are living someone else's life? I've moved over to the elusive "other side" yet still don't quite feel like I'm really living this.

Unfortunately, I don't think under any different circumstances that I WOULD feel differently. There is no escaping infertility once you've lived with it. There are constant reminders - now every month when AF arrives instead of wondering what cycle day it is I will be trying to forget what cycle day it is. So, while I'm not dealing with IF any longer I still have to deal with it by trying NOT to deal with it.
Infertility for me now is like my c-section scar. I can't really see it, it's faded with time, but it is still there, and I know that it's still there, and it will remain there for the rest of my life.

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