Friday, October 17, 2008

Raising the White Flag

My intention ever since first getting those double lines on the pee stick was to breastfeed my baby(or babies). Exclusively. I know the benefits of breastfeeding for them as well as for myself, not to mention it saves time, and of course money (which is in short supply while raising twins). We struggled with breastfeeding at the hospital. Lan.don was too sleepy and wouldn't suck for more than a few seconds. Ale.x seemed too impatient and screamed after a few sucks as well. When the nurses told J and I that they would need their blood sugar tested every 5 hours if they continued not to nurse, we decided that instead of having them go through heel pricks every so many hours we would give them some formula out of a medicine cup (to supplement).

Once home Lan.don developed jaundice and feeding him became more of an issue. Ale.x was still much too impatient to wait for letdown and of course that increased my anxiety level, which made letdown even worse.
I had to wait to get my double electric pump in the mail from my insurance company so was only able to express a few ounces manually a day - which I split between the two of them. Once I got the pump I was still only able to express about 5-6 ounces a day.

Land.on finally caught onto latching. Al.ex still refuses.

Now that the bugs are starting to be awake more during the day I am finding it nearly impossible to find time to pump, or BF Land.don without Ale.x screaming for attention. I went 3 days without BF or pumping and now my supply is nearly shot.
I can't decide whether to keep trying until I go back to work next week (where I will have time to pump at least 3 times per day) or give up completely and go to bottle feeding exclusively. Do I surrender or not?? I'm not sure.
I do know though that the guilt I feel for not being able to do this breastfeeding thing for my boys is eating me up. Just one of my many experiences so far with "Mommy guilt".


Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

I know its hard, but try not to let the guilt get to you. I fought with myself about BFing Lemy more times than I would like to admit because it was hard and she wasn't the easiest baby to feed--and I only have one baby to worry about.

My only assvice is to go with your gut. You have given them a great start with the colostrum and you can only do what you can do. If going to the bottle is going to make you happier than switch...they will be happier with a relaxed mommy who doesn't feel like she's being pulled in a million different directions.

Another bit of assvice and then I'll shut up...If you can and want to pump at work, then I think its worth a shot. I would also try Fenugreek supplements (you can get them at GNC) and alfalfa to help stimulate your supply again.

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know its hard. Trust me, I know it all so well. ((HUGS))

Anonymous said...

I have been there. I got up every 4 hours to pump because neither of my twins were even interested in nursing. I stored my milk and mixed it with formula until the Easter when the kids were 5 months old. I was exhausted. Believe me, I know how hard it can be.

Carol said...

Hi - I just came across your blog and I realize this post is a couple weeks old. How is it going? Are you still trying to BF your twins? Mine are 13 months old now and we're still BFing - it has not been easy but I think it's very worth it. Have you read the breastfeeding forum on there's lots of great help there. good luck - I'm sure you'll come to the balance that feels right for you.