I know I said I wouldn't do it. But I did.
J spent a week in the ICU on IV antibiotics. At one point even with the strongest, most potent antibiotics there are, his white blood cell count continued to rise. Which makes you think the infection will win out. Scary.
So, when he got out of the hospital, I said he could come for a visit. Just a VISIT. With the understanding that he would keep his appointment with the counselor who was working on again finding him a treatment facility. The counselor got him an appointment at the center here in my town and he did keep his appointment. They are looking at a facility for a time period of 9-12 months. Unfortunately I don't feel confident that this will be the time it works for him either. Considering he has vocalized that he views it as a punishment. I'm pretty sure in my heart of hearts that he is going to have to begin to view this as an opportunity, not a punishment. Without that shift, success will remain out of reach.
It's been OK with him in the house. He's not doing anything at this point. We are so distant though that sometimes I don't even know what to say. I feel like the time of our marriage when we were the best of friends is way behind us now. Gone. Dead. Kind of like roadkill on the side of the highway left to just be pecked away by the vultures flying around.
He was supposed to have his 2nd appointment this afternoon - to discuss the plan going forward and where they might potentially find for him to go. But he didn't make it to that appointment. He ended up back in the hospital - ICU again - due to his blood sugar being out of control and his white blood cell count rising again.
I hate having to explain to my children why their Dad was at the house for a visit and why he has to stay at the doctor's until the doctor says it's OK for him to leave. They don't understand illness.
I asked God to help me make the right decision about whether to let him come for a visit. I truly felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I'm beginning to question my decision. What if it wasn't the best thing? What if he stalls and drags his feet on treatment decisions and is in and out of the hospital. What if the kids begin to think Daddy is living with us again??
Ya know, I hear so much about big issues in life, that you should "Let go and let God." But how? How is that even possible? How am I to know what the right thing to do is? Not like there is a big sign with writing on it up in the sky or God speaking to me through a megaphone or any other way. I search for any kind of sign telling me what to do but I never feel like I'm getting a clear one. And what if God steers me wrong? What if he's not even really listening to me?