What I'm Thankful for

I'm thankful for my health, and the health of my family. For my warm house, a good job, money to buy things I need and want, my fur-baby George.
I'm thankful someone decided to put bread, celery, onions, and butter and spices together to invent stuffing.
I'm thankful for my ability to write this. Many people don't have a good education.
I'm thankful for friends both IRL and in blogland.
Most of all, I am thankful that I have been given two healthy baby boys. And, I am thankful to be celebrating their first Thanksgiving.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Wordless Wednesday

It's a Jungle Out There

Alex and Landon LOVE their jungle gym! We play in it every day. They're almost able to grab hold of their favorite toy and make it play - the musical Lion.

What a wonderful birthday present

The bugs gave me a wonderful birthday gift today - they slept...through the night. I mean really through the night. We got them down to sleep after baths, bottles, and rocking at about 9:30pm. They slept until 6:30AM.
I got a full, uninterrupted night of sleep and it was absolutely refreshing!
I did have to poke them both though this morning when I woke up and realized what had happened, just to be sure they were OK.

Thoughts About Age

Ten years ago when I was in my twenties my birthday weekend consisted of hanging out with friends and when I awoke after a night of fun I found empty bottles of beer covering my kitchen counter.
This year, as my birthday approaches, I found it kind of humerous how much life can change as we grow older. Today, as is now the norm on most days, I awoke to find my kitchen counter covered in empty bottles again.
Only this time the bottles were of baby formula.
What a difference.

Escaping

While I knew deep down inside all along that there is no escaping infertility that fact became all the more clear for me this past week. After decided to throw in the towel and stop breastfeeding and pumping (which is another post in itself) I was visited rather quickly by my good ol' friend AF. Wonder-freaken-ful! She returned with a vengeance and was all that I remember her to be. My first thought when I noticed the bright red full-flow on the toilet paper was, "Oh, cycle day 1, I need to mark that down on the calendar...I should be ovulating about 15 days from now..."

Then a cry came through the baby monitor and jolted me back to reality. I don't need to count cycle days anymore. I don't need to worry about when I'm ovulating, don't need to rush out and re-stock my supply of ovulation test kits, don't need to plan sex with J for key days of the month anymore.

This is strange. I thought when I got that first positive pee stick that I could get away from IF. Then I miscarried that pregnancy. When I got the second positive pee stick, I knew that it might take some time to feel confident about pregnancy again. Maybe someday I would feel "not-so-infertile" anymore. Maybe after the first ultrasound, the first 13 weeks, 20 weeks, feeling movement, the first good NST??? When will IF stop being a part of my life, lurking around every corner for me?
Maybe it's because I've spent every.single.month for the past almost 7 years counting what cycle day it is, checking for ovulation, timing intercourse, feeling constant disappointment month, after month, after month. Learning to not let yourself get to close or too attached to a pregnancy or even the thought of a pregnancy for fear that it could be taken away, that it's all become routine. I can't remember what it's like NOT to do those things. So now I feel out of sorts. Lost.
Maybe if I had had a vaginal delivery for the bugs I'd feel differently. Maybe it's because I had a c-section and never really felt any labor pain at all that this parenthood thing is still somewhat unreal. For those of you who experienced IF and had a vaginal delivery - do you feel like the whole thing is unreal to you? Do you sometimes feel as if you are living someone else's life? I've moved over to the elusive "other side" yet still don't quite feel like I'm really living this.

Unfortunately, I don't think under any different circumstances that I WOULD feel differently. There is no escaping infertility once you've lived with it. There are constant reminders - now every month when AF arrives instead of wondering what cycle day it is I will be trying to forget what cycle day it is. So, while I'm not dealing with IF any longer I still have to deal with it by trying NOT to deal with it.
Infertility for me now is like my c-section scar. I can't really see it, it's faded with time, but it is still there, and I know that it's still there, and it will remain there for the rest of my life.

12 Weeks

Alex and Landon,

I can not believe that you are three months old already! You are no longer newborns. You are actually like little boys now. You have grown so much in the past three months - smiling, cooing, helping to hold your bottles. Alex - you are even trying to roll over on your own. Landon - you sit and listen intently to Mommy's favorite story (A Sport for Teddy). Your Dad and I are amazed each day by how much you change and grow! We feel much more confident in our abilities to care for you now, even though the simultaneous crying still throws us both for a loop. We've figured out hunger cries, wet diaper cries, and I'm Tired! cries. We've become pros at diaper changes and finding things that you like to do that make you smile, like swings and bouncy seats. We can't wait for Christmas (your first) and for playing with all of your new toys that you are just starting to learn about.
We're excited to think about what each new day brings for us and for you. But do us a favor and slow down just a bit - don't grow up too fast. The past three months have already gone by in a blink of an eye.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

The First of Many

Last week was my first day back at work after maternity leave, which means that it was also the bugs first week at day care. It was so difficult to bring them to day care, to take them out of their car seats, and hand them over to two (albeit caring) ladies who would watch them in my absence. I didn't want to hand them over, J didn't want to hand them over. I simply wanted to hold them in my arms forever, never letting go. But what other choice do we have? As I walked out of the day care door, holding back my tears, I realized that this is just one of so many firsts that will happen in their lifetime.

The first day of day care.
My first day back at work.
Their first birthday.
Their first words, teeth, steps...
The first day of kindergarten.
Their first bike ride without training wheels.
Their first tooth falling out.
Their first cut, scrape, or broken bone.
Their first crush.
Their first driving lesson.
Their first car.
Their first girlfriend.
Their first day of college.

So many firsts - all that have the potential to bring me to tears - tears that are somehow filled with both happiness and love that I feel for my children as I watch them grow, and also tinged with sadness for the exact same reason. That they are growing. That the time when all I did was hold them in my arms is gone. That someday they won't want to be held at all.
In my crazy, chaotic, twin-filled life, I try to remember each day that we'll never have the chance to re-live this day. That my bugs will only be 4 weeks, or 5 weeks, or 8 weeks and 4 days old for this day and this day only. I try to soak in as much of each day, each minute with them, as possible. If I can do that then I think that they, and maybe even J and I, will be able to weather all of the firsts in our lives.