Striking a Balence

December – time again to think about warm hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, wooly mittens, holiday shopping, big fluffy snowflakes falling, and the magic of the season.
Holiday season can be so difficult for people dealing with infertility. And no one knows how difficult unless they themselves are in the middle of the struggle or have faced the struggle in the past. The holidays are all about kids – Santa’s around every corner, toy catalogs and commercials, children’s programs on television. There’s really no escaping it.

It’s different for J and I this year though. In year’s past we did whatever possible to avoid the painful kid-focused celebrations, either gracefully bowing out of attending or downing as much alcohol as possible to help numb the feelings. This year, because there are few children in our family, we are the center of attention. Or rather the bugs are. Everyone in our family is focused on the bugs first Christmas.

I feel like a traitor to my fellow bloggers still walking the IF long and winding road. How do I transition from one side to the other? How do I keep the promise I made to myself to always remember my experience with infertility and how it made me feel – so that I can be sure to remain sensitive to others who may be going through their own struggle? How do I find the balance between the excitement I naturally feel for my children’s first Christmas and the remembrance of how I used to feel at this time of year, knowing that so many other people are still where I was last year?

Last year I wrote this post about what I wanted for Christmas.

This year I’m asking Santa for health and happiness for my boys. That’s all I really want or need right now. (OK, and maybe one hour of uninterrupted time to soak in a bubble bath with a glass of pinot grigio and some nice holiday music)

As for finding the balance…Yes, I’ll go out and get all of those “Baby’s First Christmas” things, look through all of the toy catalogs, shop excitedly at the parent-crazed stores this month for toys to put under the tree, and do whatever I can to see this holiday through my children’s eyes. I also will keep my promise to myself by doing some other little things – I will try to teach my children about thinking of others, not just at holiday time but throughout the year; I will try to make sure I do what I can to make at least some of our holiday celebrations not strictly kid-focused; and I will never send out one of those Christmas cards of a picture of my children to everyone on my mailing list.