Monday, June 8, 2009

Long time, no post

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Well, yes, I can, I guess. The month of May in our house was not pleasant - the boys are fine -- happy, healthy, safe, and loved. But J and I are on the verge of divorce. Seriously.
I once posted about a problem he was having, then deleted it after a few days, because I don't want my children to someday read about it here. I won't get into details for that reason. Let's just say, said problem is not getting any better. I have tried to help him work through the problem. I missed two weeks of work in May because of said problem (and I'm supposed to be starting a new job- promotion - this month). I had to find day care for the boys again because of said problem. I have lost weight, don't eat right, don't sleep much, and am a nervous wreck because of said problem. Worst of all is that I feel like my entire life is so consumed by this problem that I am missing out on really focusing my attention each day on the bugs. And I don't want to do that - I don't want to look back someday and feel like I spent so much time worrying about J and his problem that I missed out on the bugs growing up.
J left for about two weeks. It was hard, really, really, hard to be alone with the bugs. No family around, trying to raise two 9 month old boys alone. But it was peaceful and stress free and the three of us were happy.
I found out a lot about J while he was gone - family and friends have a way of coming forth with information when they find out that you are apart - information about the problem and how long he's actually had it, things he had done behind my back, and deceptiveness that apparently has been going on for quite some time.
Then he came back - said he had a handle on the problem. He's been back for a week and the problem is still consuming my life.

I don't want to deal with his problems anymore. Maybe that sounds harsh and uncaring but I am tired of it all. I just want the bugs and I to have some normalcy to our lives. Ya know, get up, go to work, come home, play together as a family, be happy...It is just so chaotic right now and has been for a few months now. All because of J and his problem. I have tried to be supportive, tried to help him, but now there is a big piece of trust in him that is gone. How do you get that back?

This problem of his has literally changed him as a person. When the bugs were first born he was such a big help. Now he does nothing to help. Here's how our day goes: I get up at 6am when the boys wake up. Feed them a bottle, get them dressed, changed, etc and give them breakfast. Get them ready for daycare, drive to daycare, drop them off. Go to work. Pick boys up after work, feed them dinner, play with them for a few hours, get them changed, dressed, ready for bed, give them a bottle, and put them to bed. If they have a hard time going to sleep, I rock them, hold, them, etc. Maybe I have an hour or two to eat dinner myself, fold laundry, pay bills, etc. Then I go to sleep around 11pm.If they wake in the night, I feed them, rock them, etc. J does NOTHING. He is gone a lot (out of the house) and when he is home we argue about the problem.

What do I do? How much time do you give someone to make changes in their life before you cut your losses? Do you try counseling together even before one person has completely taken care of their own problem?
J and I have been married for 8 years, and been friends for 25. We have two small children who I had hoped would grow up with both their Mom and their Dad. But when do you say enough is enough?


Meghan said...

No assvice or anything, just hugs. I'm sorry you're going through all this. Good luck with whatever you decide

Road Blocks and Roller Coasters said...

The only assvice I can give is to follow your gut. If it feels like it's time to call it quits then that's what you've got to do for all of your sakes. I wish you and the bugs the best sweetie! ((many hugs))

Leah said...

I pray about it. I say try counseling.

tbonegrl said...

It sounds so hard. Sometimes you have to resign yourself that if someone isn't ready to make a change for ehtmeslves, you cannot enable them and allow them to control you.