Happy Birthday!

Two

Happy Birthday Alex and Landon!
I can not believe that you are two years old today. Two years ago I woke up not feeling so great. Two years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed for 6 hours waiting for them to wheel me into the OR for the surgery. Two years ago you both came into the world healthy.
Best, best, best day of my life.
With each day that passes my love for you grows too. I am amazed by you each and every day - what you are learning, the funny things you say and do, and how during the long battle with infertility I never thought I would be where I am today.
Enjoy your cupcakes with blue frosting (that we put three eggs into) and have fun opening your presents. I know you're going to love the cake we have for the party on Saturday. We'll find those party hats and make everyone wear them - Cooper too.
I wish for all of your birthdays to be happy and filled with wonderful memories.

Love, Mommy

Happy Blogoversary to me!

3 years writing. A lot has happened - battle infertility, get pregnant, actually have two healthy children, struggles with marriage, struggles with job, life...

I may not write as often as I'd like - it's tough with two young kids pulling at your pant legs and trying to type on the keyboard at the same time you are. But I love having this place to vent and share.

and the weird thing I just realized is that I started blogging almost one year to the day before the bugs were born...

Road Trip

The bugs and I are getting ready to take a road trip tomorrow. Going to NH to visit my sister and brother-in-law. It's almost a 7 hour drive and because I'm brave, but not that brave, I decided that we will drive half-way, stop at my Dad's for the night, and drive the other half the next day. I'm just not sure how they'd do in the car for 7 hours. They will still usually sleep for a few hours, but then what? Then I'm stuck fighting with them over why Mommy can't pick up their dropped juice cup and risk getting sideswiped by that big truck next to us and the crying that ensues from that conversation. Or listening to Alex screaming because Landon and I are singing. That child just does not like anyone to sing unless He is in the mood for singing.
I'm a little worried about the trip as my sister has a rather large dog and an in ground pool. My kids have some unusual toddler fears - the air conditioner, motorcycles driving by, and car horns beeping - I just don't want to get home from our weekend with the added fears of water and dogs. Am I too much of a worrier?
I'm also hoping that I can fit everything into the car - I still need to bring the stroller because I can't figure out how to get two toddlers into a reststop on the highway by myself without one. And I still need to bring two pack n plays because we haven't transitioned into beds yet.
I just keep telling myself that this is going to be fun. And my kids will grow up with fond memories of our family trips. Will they wonder though why every picture shows Mommy with frazzled hair (or a glass of wine in her hand)??

In other news...we've mastered the Happy Birthday song and are ready for the big 2 next month. We absolutely love the playground now that we can go up and down the slide ourselves, and we can name every truck in our truck book, even the excavator (which is pretty funny to hear us try to say)

Up all night

Well not literally. Actually only about 3 hours of the night - but that always makes me feel like I've been up all night. Used to be when I was younger I could stay up all night without one ounce of effect on my mind or body the next day. Time takes it's toll on a person. Now, when one of the bugs is up at night, I feel like I can't function the next day. Kind of like I have a hangover, but without having had the fun of the drinking part.
Alex decided last night between 1:30am-4am was play and talk time. Even going so far as to try to pry my eyelids open while I pretended to sleep. Alas, my little boy is no longer fooled by my fake snoring. No matter how I begged or what I threatened (no Mickey Mouse tomorrow, no swings, etc) he would not go back to sleep - just continued to jump, bounce, talk, want to read stories....darn molars coming in do it every time!

Is it awful to say that I was slightly smiling when I woke him up in the morning as he tried to hide under the blanket from me? Although he's no worse for the wear - he at least can take a nap today.

Me on the other hand - I need to go make another pot of coffee.

New Looks

So, I've changed the layout and design of the blog. I guess I just needed something different. It's kind of like my life right now too. Clouds are passing, the blue sky is ahead, it's just still a little bit fuzzy right now. But I'm heading toward it. It's definately there.

Anxiety

Since June 1st the bugs daycare provider has slightly changed. The woman who was watching them needs to have some surgery so her daughter took over the business. No new children, no new place, just a new face answering the door in the morning. T is even still there for most of the day - although she's trying to take more of a backseat so the kids can get more used to C.
My boys have had terrible separation anxiety every morning since. It is breaking my heart! Every morning the crying, the real tears streaming down their faces, and now Alex is on to the fact that that's where he's going so he refuses to get out of his crib. I thought we were passed the Separation issues. Now it seems we've been thrust right back to the start.
They are fine - by the time I get back to the car I know they've stopped crying because the windows are open and I can hear that they've settled down. When I pick them up in the afternoon they are happily playing. It's just the morning. But it's awful. and it really does a number on my level of Mommy guilt.

How can a single working mother of twins give them both enough love and attention so they feel confident when I leave that I'll return; So they don't cry every single morning? I just want to see them happy.

Rain, rain go away

It's raining outside
Mommy's going insane
The bugs have their noses
pressed on the window pane

We play cars, and trucks, and then with our train
We color, watch Barney,
then make paper airplanes

We're teething, we're fighting
tantrums, screaming on the floor
One just shut his brother between the two doors

It's raining outside
Mom thinks how much more can I take
before I lose my mind and I fall down or break

Afternoon comes
we fight - we don't want to nap
We'd rather push each other
and fight for Mom's lap

Finally quiet
asleep in our bed
Mommy may even be able to rest her own head

The peace and the quiet
Mom can hear the clock ticking on the wall
Even with all of the chaos
She wouldn't trade one moment at all

Project IF

What if my spouse and I don't make it? What if we can't survive the crushing mountain of stress that infertility, pregnancy loss, and all things associated with them, places on us?



I've been haunted by this thought for so many years.

My husband and I have been friends since 1983, together as a couple since 1998, been married since 2001, and began trying to conceive in January 2002. In the beginning of our infertility journey we were happy, mostly worry free people. We were confident that we'd one day be parents. We set off on the journey together; a team; hand in hand.

Then somehow we got lost along the way. Not hard to do when you are in a constant sea of medical appointments, tests, injections, hormones, being poked and prodded, asked embarrassing questions, having humiliating and sometimes painful procedures, figuring out where money for all this is going to come from, loans, borrowing from retirement funds, trying to resolve yourself to the fact that this is going to take way longer than you anticipated. While month after month passed, and turned into year after year, it began to take its toll on our emotional health. Then the tidal wave came - success from IVF #3, only to experience no heartbeat at our 12 week appointment. Crushed, devastated, no other words to explain it. And, we were out of money. Yet the responses you get from people in real life are that you can just try again. No one really has any idea about the experience. Infertility is isolating, humiliating, embarrassing, stressful, chaotic.

This is where the changes in personality come in - enter hateful, jealous, resentful me. Enter the me that doesn't give a crap about anyone or anything, except herself. Not.even.her.husband.

And this is where we must not have been hanging on to each other's hands tight enough. Hell, I wasn't really hanging on at all. Honestly I don't know how it all affected J because looking back I wasn't really paying attention to him . I had become so focused, so obsessed with the outcome of having children, that he nearly ceased to exist, except for the times when we needed to have sex on demand. J could have walked out, a different person replacing him, and I probably would not have noticed a thing. I just wanted to resolve this all - where the hell were my babies?!

I wanted resolve so I could get on with my life but while I was searching for resolve my life with my spouse was slipping away.


Once I "recovered" from the miscarriage I threw myself into the world of infertility again. Finding more money, researching every procedure out there, find whatever way possible to have children.
Somewhere between the time of our miscarriage (2006) and the time our twins were born (2008) J developed a drug problem. A serious drug problem. You may think I'm crazy here but I didn't ever see it. I was blind to the fact -blind to everything he did. If it didn't have to do with me getting pregnant, staying pregnant, having babies -I didn't see it at all. Now he's so deep into it I'm not sure he'll ever get out. And, our marriage, well, that doesn't even exist anymore. On paper sure, but not really, it's gone, and I'm not sure we can find a way to get it back. Sad, we've lost a near 30 year relationship.


I consider myself a fairly strong person - I can handle a lot. When the stress of infertility hit me, I went to counseling, joined online support groups, read books on the subject to gain knowledge of how to deal with it all, started blogging. These were my outlets, ways to keep my sanity. J didn't do any of things things.

Now here's my theory: I believe that he internalized it - and now I think there's a possibility that his drug problem may stem partly from his inability to handle the stress from our journey. His hurt over all of it, of not being able to have children the normal way, of what it all did to our relationship, is made better by the numbing effects of drug use. Are there other factors involved? Sure - a predisposition to addictive personality, prior experimentation with drugs, whatever. But the thought remains - if we didn't go through infertility, if we didn't lose our first baby, if we had had our children the "normal" way, if it hadn't taken so long, if I hadn't gotten lost along the way, would J be in the position he's in today? Would our marriage be in the position its in today?



I'll never really know that answers to these questions. Time does not go backwards, infertility was and will always be our reality, and we will never know if things had been different if things would be different today.

I also have to wonder through all of this, what if it wouldn't be different? What if no matter what was different in the past J still ended up where he is today; and our marriage ended up shattered? What if in order to have my two beautiful children I had to walk this road?



What if, because of all that I've been through which has changed me and made me grow as a person, my children can grow up to be happy, confident, successful, loved men?



For information on helping to understand infertility check out www.resolve.org/infertility101

For information on National Infertility Awareness Week, April 25-May 1, 2010, visit www.resolve.org/takecharge

This is how big we've gotten

Is the circus in town?

Wow. That's all I can say when I look at how long it has been since I last posted.
There's probably not anyone even still out there paying attention.

I can tell you that since the last post the bugs have celebrated their 1st birthday, learned to walk and run, learned to talk (a lot), had a second Halloween where Mommy just couldn't get it together enough to dress them up, celebrated Thanksgiving where they could actually eat Turkey and mashed potatoes (and loved it), marveled at a Christmas tree with lots of lights and balls on it often too tempting not to touch, figured out how to plot against Mommy, celebrated another Easter where Mommy just couldn't get it together enough to take them to visit the Easter Bunny (have I mentioned that having twins is HARD) and learned to not be afraid to walk on grass. They've done much more that that - those are my highlights. Alex is up to 27 pounds and Landon is 23 1/2 pounds. I thought it was tough when they were first born but pushing the stroller is really a workout now.
Since the last post J has come and gone, and come and gone, and is gone again. This time most likely for the long term. It's too hard for the bugs and I to have to deal with his issues. Life is much more peaceful with him not living in our house. However, where he's at now, he can't even see the boys, and won't be able to for some time. I've told them that Daddy has a boo boo that need to get better before he can come home. So, they think he's off at some doctor somewhere and he'll be back when the boo boo is better. Sad thing is Mommy's not sure if Daddy's boo boo will ever be better.

My life has been like a three ring circus this past year. I juggle single motherhood, a crazy job where I often feel like I am drowning, and dealing with a marriage that is falling apart - one that I didn't want to fall apart and I've tried holding on but am losing my grip. The balls are all up in the air - red, blue, green, yellow. And, to top it off I'm walking on the tight rope while doing the juggling. I do my best not to drop any of the balls and keep my balance. But every day I fear that I won't be able to do it. And, I'm afraid of what will happen then.

Summer Fun

Here are some pics from our recent trips to visit family. And here are some more.

Where does the time go?

I'm not sure - but it apparently flies by whether you are having fun or not.
Updates since my last post -
* J is not living with the bugs and I right now and I'm not sure when or if he will again.
* J is working on addressing his issues
* Once J addresses his issues we can figure out if we can work on/fix OUR issues (This is a whole separate post - maybe even separate blog)
* Life as a single parent with twin 1 year olds is HARD!!

* Landon can stand,pull to standing, bend down and pick up dropped toys, food, cups, etc., even cruise when he wants to.
* Landon does not want to go to sleep anymore because of all of the new fun things he can do. Who wants to sleep when you can stand up? This makes Mommy very tired.
* Alex can push himself into sitting and can pull up to kneel but is not pulling up to stand yet. Mommy worries about this sometimes but then figures it will come with time and each baby is different, right?
* Alex has become a picky eater and usually doesn't touch anything except cheese, bread, or potatoes
* We are both getting some new teeth in and right now each have four teeth on top and four on the bottom.
* We went swimming in the lake for the first time ever a few weeks ago at Grandpa and Grandma's and both seemed to like it.
* We finally like to eat pasta. Mommy now has something easy to make for dinner after work.
* We are practicing the birthday song so we're ready in a few weeks.
* We have also been practicing opening presents using Mommy's magazines as makeshift wrapping paper.

Just a few short weeks and 1 year old here we come....

What we're up to

These make me happy.

Long time, no post

I can't believe it's been over a month since my last post. Well, yes, I can, I guess. The month of May in our house was not pleasant - the boys are fine -- happy, healthy, safe, and loved. But J and I are on the verge of divorce. Seriously.
I once posted about a problem he was having, then deleted it after a few days, because I don't want my children to someday read about it here. I won't get into details for that reason. Let's just say, said problem is not getting any better. I have tried to help him work through the problem. I missed two weeks of work in May because of said problem (and I'm supposed to be starting a new job- promotion - this month). I had to find day care for the boys again because of said problem. I have lost weight, don't eat right, don't sleep much, and am a nervous wreck because of said problem. Worst of all is that I feel like my entire life is so consumed by this problem that I am missing out on really focusing my attention each day on the bugs. And I don't want to do that - I don't want to look back someday and feel like I spent so much time worrying about J and his problem that I missed out on the bugs growing up.
J left for about two weeks. It was hard, really, really, hard to be alone with the bugs. No family around, trying to raise two 9 month old boys alone. But it was peaceful and stress free and the three of us were happy.
I found out a lot about J while he was gone - family and friends have a way of coming forth with information when they find out that you are apart - information about the problem and how long he's actually had it, things he had done behind my back, and deceptiveness that apparently has been going on for quite some time.
Then he came back - said he had a handle on the problem. He's been back for a week and the problem is still consuming my life.

I don't want to deal with his problems anymore. Maybe that sounds harsh and uncaring but I am tired of it all. I just want the bugs and I to have some normalcy to our lives. Ya know, get up, go to work, come home, play together as a family, be happy...It is just so chaotic right now and has been for a few months now. All because of J and his problem. I have tried to be supportive, tried to help him, but now there is a big piece of trust in him that is gone. How do you get that back?

This problem of his has literally changed him as a person. When the bugs were first born he was such a big help. Now he does nothing to help. Here's how our day goes: I get up at 6am when the boys wake up. Feed them a bottle, get them dressed, changed, etc and give them breakfast. Get them ready for daycare, drive to daycare, drop them off. Go to work. Pick boys up after work, feed them dinner, play with them for a few hours, get them changed, dressed, ready for bed, give them a bottle, and put them to bed. If they have a hard time going to sleep, I rock them, hold, them, etc. Maybe I have an hour or two to eat dinner myself, fold laundry, pay bills, etc. Then I go to sleep around 11pm.If they wake in the night, I feed them, rock them, etc. J does NOTHING. He is gone a lot (out of the house) and when he is home we argue about the problem.

What do I do? How much time do you give someone to make changes in their life before you cut your losses? Do you try counseling together even before one person has completely taken care of their own problem?
J and I have been married for 8 years, and been friends for 25. We have two small children who I had hoped would grow up with both their Mom and their Dad. But when do you say enough is enough?

Sshhh...I've got a Secret

Twin Facts

From an unknown source:
"I can tell you that being parents of multiples is about the hardest thing on a marriage that I know of."
Statistics have shown higher levels of stress and arguing among parents of multiples as well as a higher divorce rate.

Really? Ya don't say...

Twin Facts

The average birthweight for a singleton is 7 lbs. 7 oz; Average weight for a twin is 5 lbs. 5 oz.

8 Months

I can not believe that you are eight months old already. I know that I say that every month but really, how is this happening? You both grow so quickly. Every day it seems you are doing something new.

This month so many things happened.

You both started getting your top teeth in which has caused sleeping issues, like Landon not wanting to sleep, and eating problems. While you normally like your bottles and every kind of food imaginable you both decided because of the teething that you'd rather push the bottle away and maybe not eat so much. Plus you now prefer the food colder rather than warmer.
You both can sit up on your own now too. Landon can sit for a very long time which has provided the opportunity to play with your toys in a whole new way. You've finally figured out how to work the ball popper on your own. It made your Dad and I a little sad though as we thought this is one tiny step closer to you not needing us as much. Alex, you can sit too, however, most of the time you choose not to since then you can't play with your toys with your feet. We're beginning to wonder if you have a future in a circus as someone who juggles with their feet or something.
You are both rocking back and forth and are ready to take off with the crawling soon. Slow down! Daddy and I need more time for baby proofing.
You can feed yourself a cracker and LOVE teething biscuits. Although Mommy thinks they taste and look like dog food. Maybe that is way so many children develop a love of eating out of the pet dish?
You are starting to outgrow your 6-9 month clothes and you're now into size 4 diapers. We don;t go to the doctor for another month but I'm guessing you guys are both at 20lbs now.
Alex - you've figured out how to pick up your banana puffs and put them in your mouth. Self-feeding, another big step! Once Mommy can get past worrying about how big or small to cut food up we can start trying some different finger foods.
As for talking - your favorites sounds are ah-ba and ah-ra and try as I might neither one of you will even attempt the M or D sounds so Daddy and I will have to wait a little longer for that.

Twin Facts

Studies have shown that mothers who gain about 24 pounds by week 24 have reduced their chances of giving birth either prematurely or to low birth-weight babies.

Twin Facts

The average or recommended weight gain for average sized mothers of twins is between 35-45 lbs.

Wordless Wednesday

Top 10 Things To Love About Having Twins

A Great summing up of some of the wonderful things about having twins.

Top 10 Things I Love About Having Twins
By Pamela Prindle Fierro, About.com
Being a parent twins or multiples is an experience full of ups and downs. There are many challenging times, for sure, but also plenty of moments where you feel so lucky and blessed to have them. These are some of the things that I love most about being a mom of twins.
1. Armfuls and Handfuls
Every child fills their parents' hearts and home with joy. That's what I really love about having twins or more. The love and joy are compounded. Cradling two twinfants in my arms was so incredibly, almost unbearably, sweet. Holding hands with two toddlers -- one on the right, and one on the left -- while crossing the street made me feel complete. Double hugs, double kisses, mommy-in-the-middle "sandwich" cuddles on the couch... life just doesn't get any better than that.
2. Single-Mindedness
Parenting happens in stages. For people with a one-track mind, like me, it's much easier to manage two infants, two toddlers or two 'tweens, than to juggle the needs of a baby and a preschooler. The phases of parenthood are experienced more intensely, sometimes, because they are simultaneous, but I love it that way.
3. Shared Accomplishments
It's always exciting to see your child meet a milestone. But when two or more multiples accomplish their goals simultaneously, it's a wonderful experience for a family. For example, I was bursting with pride when both of my twins made honor roll on their last report cards, but the achievement was even sweeter because they were happy for each other.
4. Private Jokes
It's such fun to hear them share jokes, call each other by nicknames and role play their special scenarios. Once when they were babies, 10 months old, we were driving down the road, when giggles erupted from the car seats in the back seat. As one laughed, the other broke out in giggles; they spurred each other on the entire ride home. What a sweet sound those baby giggles were; it is still sweet to hear them laugh together, not at each other, but with each other.
5. Alike, But Different
It's fascinating to be an observer of twins. With so many similarities, but such stark differences, it's always interesting to see how they develop as individuals. Where parents of singletons may say, "Oh, you are just like your sister was at that age," parents of multiples have an instant basis of comparison and contrast among their children.
6. 2-For-1 Bonus
Short and sweet .... one pregnancy = two babies! Such a deal! Although a pregnancy with multiples may have more risks, and sometimes more complications, it truly is a two-for-one deal.
7. A Sense of Status
Okay, I admit it. I get a little thrill of pride in being a mom of twins. It's like being a part of an elite club. You feel an instant bond with other parents of multiples. I love the reaction I get when I tell people I have twins. "Wow!" "I always wanted twins..." "I don't know how you do it..." It's almost like we enjoy an exclusive status in the parenting world, earning a slight nod of respect for pulling double duty.
8. Sharing
Twins share everything -- their birthday, their parents' attention, and many of their belongings. Although they may get frustrated with their situation, as a parent, it's very gratifying to witness their "what's mine is yours" attitude in a moment of unselfish benevolence.
9. A Beautiful Bond
The twin bond is more enduring than any other relationship on earth, starting even before birth, and often outlasting many friendships and even marriages. Despite their squabbles, it's comforting to know that they will (hopefully) enjoy their unique relationship for all of their lives. As their mother, I feel really privileged to be a party to their special bond, and to have the opportunity to nurture it.
10. Confidence in Companionship
I love the confidence that my twins exhibit simply because they have always had each other to rely on. I love to watch them enter new, unfamiliar situations with total surety because they are together. I love seeing all the ways that being a twin shapes their personalities, both as an advantage and a disadvantage. They have never known loneliness because they've always had each other as a companion.

Twin Facts

Once you've had fraternal twins, you are 3 to 4 times more likely to have another set!

Thank Heaven

Today we Christened the boys. It was a beautiful day complete with sunshine, a warm breeze, and birds singing, although the forecast had called for rain. I thank my Mom, who's not here anymore, for this. I know that she was watching from above and did what she could to help out on the weather front so the boys would have a nice day.

We had about 35 people attend, and enough food to feed twice that many. For some reason when we plan a party in our family we always seem to go overboard on the food. So J and I have leftovers for the entire week, plus I'll be sharing the surplus with the co-workers this week too.

Everyone who loves these babies was there - Grandpa, Grandpa and Grandma, Gram-Gram, and lots of Aunts and Uncles. We chose my sisters for their Godmothers and chose not to have any Godfathers.

The ceremony was nice and neither Alex nor Landon cried when they put the water on them. Plus the oil they use made them smell so sweet.

I've had my concerns about the Cathloic religion in the past - having known their stand on fertility treatments and such. But I still did find that growing up with religion a part of my life helped me with life skills like decision making, learning right from wrong, and building values and morals. I hope to provide that to my children by taking them to church, when they are a bit older, and having them attend Sunday School. My hope is that religion will just be one more piece in the puzzle of helping them to grow up.

and now some pictures....

Twin Facts

82% of multiples are delivered via c-section, while 5% are delivered vaginally. The rest are delivered both by c-section and vaginally.

Twin Facts

Only 14% of women carry multiples past 37 weeks. Most women give birth prematurely.

Twin Facts

Up to 22% of twins are left-handed. In the general populace, only 10% are left-handed.

Raising Twins Tip

Trying to manage two babies in a tub when you only have two hands is tricky. They're as slippery as little fish in that watery environment. To help keep them secure, plastic laundry baskets make a great bath seats for older babies and young toddlers. They are the right size to contain their little bodies and keep them upright so they don't slide around in the tub. Use them with only a small amount of water in the tub. Use them only with babies who are old enough to sit up.

I haven;t tried this yet but am going to soon. It would be so much easier to bathe them both at the same time. I'll let you know how it goes. I just want to wait a few more weeks so they are both really stable sitting up in the tub.

The Differences in Raising Twins

I thought this article was a great way to educate people about how it is different to have twins or multiples as compared to having a singleton. Already my family has made comments about how having twins is the same as having two children under two and it drives me crazy every time they say it. How would they know??
(Taken from About.com)
"Mine were born 19 months apart, and its just like having twins." How many times have you heard parents of singletons make remarks like this? I've realized that it's pointless to argue this issue. It's my opinion that having two singletons is nothing like having twins. If we're chasing sympathy, I'd offer that having two of different ages is actually even more difficult in some ways. But it's not the same as having twins or multiples.
So, what are some differences?...

The Absence of Birth Order Dynamics
Singleton siblings spread out over several years develop a natural order. Aside from influencing personality development, birth order often sets the standard for how children are treated in families. Older siblings lead, younger siblings follow. Older children have more freedom, but also more responsibility, as they mature. Younger children watch and learn from their older siblings. There is a natural disparity of ability due to age.But multiples are the same age, and -- usually -- at the same stage. They face milestones simultaneously. They become mobile at about the same time, potty train simultaneously (generally), and start school together. Although some parents impose birth order personality characteristics on their multiples based on who was born first, it's a false designation. Without the defined roles established by birth order, multiples invent their own version of a pecking order, and often their parents have to deal with the fall-out.

Parenting Mulitples as Individuals
Every parent is tasked with guiding their children as they grown into individuals. Where parents of multiples face an extra challenge is in helping their children become individuals in spite of -- and in support of -- their status as a multiple. Despite parents' best efforts to treat their multiples as individual, to avoid comparisons and labeling, it's a constant fight to fend off society's views. Multiples face a barrage of stereotypes and are constantly confronted with comparisons because of their twinship. Their friends, neighbors, teachers and even well-meaning family members will attempt to label and categorize them. (She's the good twin, the smart twin, the pretty twin... If one likes baseball, the other one must also... He's outgoing, so his twin must be shy.)J and I have already noticed people doing this to the boys.
Where singleton siblings often feel the sting of sibling rivalry, the effects are offset by birth order and by the passing of time. They have years (or in some cases many months) to achieve the milestones set by older siblings. For multiples, the milestones are expected to be simultaneous. Therefore, it's very important for parents of multiples to overcome the stereotypes, labeling and comparisons by offering continual guidance and encouragement to their children, supporting them as they develop as individuals within the context of their relationship as multiples.

Division of Parental Assets
Many parents of multiples feel challenged to divide their time, attention and love between their children, moreso than with singleton siblings spread out over several years. Despite their claims that "it's just like having twins," parents of singletons have at least nine months of one-on-one time between children. Having children of different ages creates more opportunities for individualized time: babies nap while older children are awake. Older children stay up later at night. Older children start school while younger ones are still at home. Multiples generally do everything at the same time. They're asleep at the same time, and awake all together, making it more difficult for parents to find time for individual attention. Parents of multiples have to make a more concerted effort to bond with each child. Don't I know it. I always feel guilty when I'm holding one and the other is just sitting there looking at me. It's tough to remember I only have one set of arms.

Maintaining equality
Another big challenge for parents of multiples. Where a staggered birth order often evens things out for singletons, it's often a struggle for parents of twins or more to ensure that each child gets their fair share. Whether it is time, attention or material goods, it's simply not possible to always maintain equality among multiples, setting up parents for frustration and guilt.

Nurturing the Bond
The bond between multiples is complex and intense. Twins can be best friends one moment, and bitter enemies the next. Where parents of singletons also contend with sibling rivalry, the relationship between multiples is simply more complicated, in my opinion. Teaching their multiples to resolve conflict in a healthy way and nurturing the bond between them is a big challenge for parents. Already my children fight over toys and pull each other's hair. We are constantly separating them form each other. If we put them down on the floor they immediately roll themselves together and are almost always on top of one another.

No Do-Overs
Everyone learns from their mistakes, right? With multiples, there are no "do-overs." With each child going through the same stage and phase simultaneously, there's no opportunity to learn from past experience. Parents of multiples don't have the advantage of hindsight.

Tag Team
Isn't there a saying that claims there is "safety" in numbers? I'd venture that there is actually more danger when it comes to multiples. As a group, a set of twins, triplets or more can generate a lot more chaos than singleton siblings. Working as a team, they're likely to be more daring, take more risks, and push the limits further. Whether they are climbing on each other to reach the highest cabinet, or cooperatively unraveling the living room carpet, multiples really keep parents on their toes.

The Good Stuff
Despite some challenges and drawbacks, having twins or multiples is a great joy. It's a privilege to be an observer of and participant in their unique and special relationship. There is a level of convenience and efficiency in parenting children simultaneously; some of the more unpleasant aspects (sleepless nights, teething, potty training, teenage troubles) only have to be endured once. There's a level of "celebrity" attached to having twins or multiples; some parents relish the attention while others shy away. But mostly, there is great pleasure and enjoyment in parenting multiples, every proud moment is multiplied and every simple joy is magnified. I wouldn't trade it for the world.